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I find the best way to spot a mediocre film is to gauge just how much of its running time I spend thinking about what I’m going to order for dinner afterward. So let me tell you about the poutine order I placed after seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.
Start with the basic poutine — nice, squeaky cheese curds over fries, drizzled in gravy. Then, because this is America, douse it in bacon cheeseburger bits. Add some nice peppercorn seasoning, to give everything a smoky kick. And, finally, just a dab of chili. Hit it with a shot of malt vinegar, and you’re in business. So, you ask, how was it? Well, it was excellent. Just the thing you want to have waiting for you when you exit a movie that’s, conservatively speaking, longer than the history of the universe.
Oh, you meant how was the movie? It was okay, I guess! Second best Pirates of the Caribbean movie! With a bullet! (For the record, that’s not really a compliment.)
Dead Men Tell No Tales is pointlessly busy and exhausting
There are plenty of good things in Dead Men Tell No Tales. Directors Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg (who werebehind the very good Norwegian film Kon-Tiki), along with cinematographer Paul Cameron, come up with some pretty shots of gorgeous locations scattered around the world. At least one early action sequence made me giggle with delight at its Rube Goldberg logic. And Javier Bardem, who plays new villain and ghost pirate Salazar, apparently ate several whole hams before shooting.
But those good things are mostly stranded in a desert of meaningless subplots and B-stories. For whatever reason, the response to the lightning-bolt success of the first Pirates movie back in 2003 (a legitimately fun film that felt like nothing else at the time) was to pile on a bunch of characters and a bunch of backstory. And over the three films between that one and this one, those characters and backstory kept piling up — to the point wherethis film keeps cutting away to Geoffrey Rush’s Captain Barbossa (the first film’s villain, the second film’s plot twist, the third film’s unwilling ally, etc., etc.) seemingly because Rush heard a Pirates movie was filming, showed up on set, and couldn’t be turned away.
The smartest thing I’ve ever heard about the series was from a friend, who was trying to defend Dead Man’s Chest, the very first sequel from 2006, after I found it not just disappointing but actively irritating. That film was, he said, a series of Looney Tunes shorts about the character Jack Sparrow, as though he were Bugs Bunny transplanted into our reality, made to look like Johnny Depp, but subjected to the same old slapstick shit. The movie didn’t have a plot because it didn’t need one — it was an excuse to see Depp run around and do goofy things.
And Dead Men Tell No Tales is probably the closest the series has come since that film to recapturing that aesthetic. (Film three, 2007’s At World’s End, was pointlessly lugubrious and self-impressed; 2011’s On Stranger Tides was a listless bore.) Just when things seem like they’re flagging, it will rally for another rambunctious action sequence, and it’s fun to see, say, Jack Sparrow in a guillotine that almost keeps chopping his head off but never quite does.
This might be fine if Dead Men Tell No Tales were content to simply be a collection of setpieces, each bigger than the last. That describes, say, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and that movie’s action sequences are a whole lot of fun.
But Dead Men Tell No Tales tries to serve far too many masters with its story. It wants to introduce new characters to carry the series forward should Depp decide he never wants to make another Pirates movie. (Despite Disney occasionally marketing this as a “final” adventure, there’s lots of places for the story to go at credits’ end.) It wants to tie up various plot threads from the earlier movies that you probably didn’t realize were supposed to be plot threads. It wants to give each and every character their own subplot. It wants romance, and daring escapes, and swashbuckling.
Most of all, it feels like it wants a nap.
Why does anything happen in this movie?
More times than I should have in Dead Men Tell No Tales — which is to say with just about every new scene — I found myself wondering, “Why are these people doing this?” Sometimes, this was because the film’s editing places the effect before the cause: You’ll see a character do something, wonder why they’re doing it, then see the reasoning behind it one shot later. But a lot of the time, it boiled down to something like, “Why are these people falling in love?”
The needless busy-ness of the plot means that all character interactions fall by the wayside. New character Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites, playing the son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann from the first three films) doesn’t seem to fall in love with fellow new character Karina Smith (Kaya Scodelario, trying her damnedest) so muchas he’s told by people around him that he’s falling in love with her. The actors have chemistry, but it’s buried beneath everything else in the movie, leaving them in a weird “Mulder and Scully of the sea” dynamic (he believes in ghost pirates; she doesn’t!) that’s supposed to carry them forward to a kiss. They don’t have a relationship; they have a screenplay arc.
Similarly, all of the characters have “motivation” — primarily to possess Poseidon’s Trident and thus control the magic of the sea — but it’s hard to square this with every other film in the franchise being about trying to control the powers of the sea (which is damn near all of them). Not helping matters is the ephemeral nature of what the Trident actually does.
Sure, it’s a plot device, but at one point, seven separate parties have seven separate reasons for wanting to possess it, which places so much weight on the plot device that it’s unsustainable. Think, again, of Indiana Jones: The Nazis want the Ark of the Covenant so they can rule the world; Indiana Jones wants to keep it from them so they don’t rule the world. It’s simplistic, but because there are only two sides, with directly opposing motivations, it works.
It also works because Indiana Jones and his pals are actual characters, unlike Jack Sparrow, who is, by now, simply a collection of tics. Depp has frequently been accused of creating characters who are all outside flim-flam, with no soul, but his best work (including his first few Jack Sparrow performances) unites the outer shell with something bruised at the character’s core. Here, he sometimes seems like he’s doing a Jack Sparrow impersonation.
Indeed, at times, I wasn’t sure why Jack was in the movie. He doesn’t drive the plot in any way. He has barely anything to do with the other characters. The mugging is tiresome. Yet the story revolves around him for reasons I can’t fathom. Much of the same was true in the first film, but there, Jack was the spice that livened up the proceedings. Here, he’s a big, heaping mouthful of garlic trying to be the main course.
Let’s talk about Johnny Depp for a second
If you’re inclined to believe the domestic-abuse allegations filed against Depp by his ex-wife Amber Heard (as I am), then supporting anything the actor does might feel like a vaguely immoral, or at least icky thing to do. (Depp and Heard settled out of court.)
Don’t get me wrong: I do believe there are times when separating the art from the artist — but acknowledging that the artist has done horrible things — is important. There are an awful lot of people who have done awful, awful things, and sometimes, you just want to enjoy a favorite movie without having to think about that. The line for everybody will be different.
But separating the art from the artist is a lot easier when the artist in question seems to be pushing themselves and trying new things. Whatever you think of Casey Affleck’s Oscar win for Manchester by the Sea, he gave a stunning performance in that film. By contrast, even Depp seems bored by Jack Sparrow in this movie (except, amusingly, when he shares the screen with Paul McCartney for a couple of minutes), which only led me to wonder why his career seems to have surged in the wake of Heard’s accusations. (This movie was already in production at the time Heard made her accusations.)
It’s been years since the actor did anything vital, and his future is filled with Fantastic Beasts and Universal monsters movies. He’s not terribly bankable outside of Pirates (as Scott Mendelson underlines here), especially in recent years and even when you account for international box office, and he was the headline star of Alice Through the Looking Glass, one of the biggest flops of 2016. So why? Why keep employing him?
There are no comforting answers to that question. But at the same time, that I was thinking about it at all was a sign of what a snooze this movie is, all heavy action and plotting and no center.
I wish I had spent more time thinking about dinner.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales opens nationwide Friday, May 26.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
The roguish yet charming Captain Jack Sparrow's idyllic pirate life capsizes after his nemesis, the wily Captain Barbossa, steals his ship, the Black Pearl, and later attacks the town of Port Royal, kidnapping the governor's beautiful daughter Elizabeth. In a gallant attempt to rescue her and recapture the Black Pearl, Elizabeth's childhood friend Will Turner joins forces with Jack.What Will doesn't know is that a cursed treasure has doomed Barbossa and his crew to live forever as the undead.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Charming rogue pirate Captain Jack Sparrow is back for a grand, swashbuckling, nonstop joyride filled with devilish pirate humor, monstrous sea creatures and breathtaking black magic. Now, Jack's got a blood debt to pay; he owes his soul to the legendary Davy Jones, ghostly Ruler of the Ocean Depths, but ever-crafty Jack isn't about to go down without a fight.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Just when he's needed most, Captain Jack Sparrow, that witty and wily charmer of a pirate, is trapped on a sea of sand in Davy Jones' Locker. In an increasingly shaky alliance, Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann and Captain Barbossa begin a desperate quest to find and rescue him. Captain Jack's the last of the nine Pirate Lords of the Brethren Court who must come together united in one last stand to preserve the freedom-loving pirates' way of life.
Pirates of the Caribbean Four-Movie Collection
Pirates of the Caribbean Four-Movie Collection
Special Features
- Bloopers of the Caribbean
- LEGO Animated Shorts: Captain Jack's Brick Tales
- Audio Commentary by Director Rob Marshall
- Under the Scene: Bringing Mermaids to Life
- Legends of On Stranger Tides
- In Search of the Fountain
- Last Sail, First Voyage
- Digital Copies of first 3 films (never before released)
- 2-Disc Blu-rays of first 3 movies including all previous bonus
- All new Blu-ray bonus disc which includes an all-new short film and more!
On Stranger Tides - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack Autocad_2010_english_mld_win_64bit keygen free download.
On Stranger Tides - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack
Special Features
- Bloopers of the Caribbean
- LEGO Animated Shorts: Captain Jack's Brick Tales
- Audio Commentary by Director Rob Marshall
- Under the Scene: Bringing Mermaids to Life
- Legends of On Stranger Tides
- In Search of the Fountain
- Last Sail, First Voyage
On Stranger Tides DVD
On Stranger Tides DVD
Special Features
- Bloopers of the Caribbean
- LEGO Animated Shorts: Captain Jack's Brick Tales
- Audio Commentary by Director Rob Marshall
The Curse of the Black Pearl - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack
The Curse of the Black Pearl - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack
Special Features
- 3 hours of original standard def bonus material plus high def bonus
- Scoundrels of the Sea: Piecing Together the Treasure Past of Pirates – an interactive in-movie feature that presents facts on-screen about the legends and lore of pirates
- Movie Showcase
- All bonus content from previous DVD releases, including the Lost disc
Dead Man's Chest - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack
Dead Man's Chest - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack
Special Features
- 3 hours of original standard def bonus material plus high def bonus
- Liar’s Dice Game – a single-player game, shot in live action. See if you have the nerves and the wits to outsmart a pirate
- Movie Showcase
- All bonus content from previous DVD releases
At World's End - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack
At World's End - 2-Disc Blu-ray™ Combo Pack
Special Features
- Bloopers of the Caribbean
- Keith & The Captain: On Set with Johnny Depp and the Rock Legend
- Anatomy of a Scene: The Maelstrom
- The Tale of Many Jacks
- Hoist the Colours
- Masters of Design
- Inside the Brethren Court
- The World of Chow Yun-Fat
- The Pirate Maestro: The Music of Hans Zimmer
- Deleted Scenes
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Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End PC Game Overview
Based on the second and third movies of the popular “Pirates of the Caribbean” series, players step into the roles of Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, as they continue their adventures on the high seas. The game is set up as a 3D action-adventure in a free-roaming world that allows players to explores the islands and seas of the Caribbean. Players will have to face off again Davy Jones, his Flying Dutchman crew and the villainous kraken in addition to the Chinese pirate Sao Feng, cannibals, other pirates, and the East India Trading Company.
Players must battle their way through the events of “Dead Man’s Chest” and “At World’s End” using a variety of sword and item attacks, in addition to a system called “Black Pearls”, which only allows players to block for so long until the Black Pearls are drained and no longer able to block until it recharges. Each character has their own special attack, and other weapons, such as pistols and daggers, can be found for use in combat. While all console versions of this titles are the same in format, presentation, and developer, the Playstation 3 version makes use of the Six-Axis controller for navigation through various areas in the game, and the Wii version makes use of the Wiimote for motion based attacks. The Wii version also makes use of interactive scripted sequences called “Jackanisms”, which allow players to handle themselves through certain events in a manner that Captain Jack Sparrow would.
System Requirements of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Before you start Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Free Download make sure your PC meets minimum system requirements.
Minimum System Requirements
OS: Windows XP/Vista/7
Processor: INTEL 2.4 GHz Dual Core
RAM: 1 GB
Sound Card: DirectX Compatible
DirectX: 9.0c
Hard Drive: 1.5 GB free
Recommended System Requirements
OS: Windows XP/Vista/7
Processor: INTEL 2.8 GHz Dual Core
RAM: 2 GB
Sound Card: DirectX Compatible
DirectX: 9.0c
Hard Drive: 1.5 GB free
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